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Archive for the ‘Commitment’ Category

Has your relationship been going downhill because every time you get intimate he withdraws? Has she been acting distant and moody and just won’t settle down? Fear of commitment might be just the thing keeping you from becoming too close to someone. If you panic every time the person you like makes a grand gesture of love, you fear commitment. Here’s why.

People who fear intimacy and commitment often build up walls around themselves. They reveal only what is mandatory, and will do anything to keep their significant other from seeing them in a vulnerable state. The slightest romantic gesture might send them running or drive them crazy with fear.

Fear of commitment is often present in an individual because he has been hurt in the past and is scared it might happen again. This is the most common reason as to why people fear commitment; they have experienced trauma and hurt once and do not think getting close to someone all over again is worth the pain. People who have just gotten out of a very serious relationship or have gone through a divorce often tend to be scared to get romantically involved again. They feel like getting hurt or betrayed once was enough, and do not want to risk it ever again. These people flee as soon as they feel things have started getting serious and may be leading towards a committed relationship.

Another reason might be that a person values their freedom too much to settle down. Some people find relationships suffocating; they need their space, and limitations that come with sincerity and commitment are too much for them to handle. When you get involved with someone certain sacrifices have to be made, and for people who want to live their lives entirely their own way, this might be a bother. Being with one person at all times and making changes to suit their needs or lifestyle will make such a person feel like he or she is having to give up way too much in return for a relationship. Hence the minute things start getting serious and moving onto the next level, these people pull away.

The fear of commitment and settling down can be overcome easily once you decide what you want from a relationship. Just because you were hurt once, remember, it doesn’t have to happen all over again. And if certain sacrifices have to be made in return for a happier life, go for it, it just might be the best decision you have ever made.

Some people get used to fall in love with themselves more than ever. So that when it comes to a relationship they usually do not stand for staying in as part of it because they simply do not know how to do that. If you are one of them that usually stay single and proud of it then suddenly the whole people around you that you love become couples, you may finally realize that you have become so lonely and you need someone to take care of you now and then. But somehow, the real problem is that you just cannot stand a commitment. Don’t worry, as you are not the only person in this world who are afraid of the word and have an issue about it.

The very first thing you may want to do is probably to find a person that can be your best friend. Yes, a best friend is a perfect person to be a match couple as you can enjoy your time sharing anything on your weekends or any spare time that you have. You may also find another person from outside of your loop, it may not be easy as you may not have enough trust to put yourself into a deeper relationship with someone new, but the risk is worth to take if you and your friends, yes, ask him or her to join you meeting your friends, enjoy the meeting with him and her and find that you may have a good future from the relationship. But the most important thing to do is to open yourself to any kind of chances that may come to you.

A relation is built on 3 very important pillars – Love, Trust and Loyalty. Loyalty and Trust may seem the same – but they in fact are totally different. When you know that your partner will never cheat on you – its TRUST and when you decide not to cheat on your partner, no matter what – That’s LOYALTY. It could be put best as the 2 faces of the same coin, without either side – the coin is useless. Now you would wonder what LOVE would be in this coin – I’d say the coin itself could be called the love the more the LOVE the stronger the coin.

So is there any limit to how much you can trust someone in a relationship? The answer is a straight NO, there definitely is no limit as to how much you can trust your partner. When you are in a relationship, it is very necessary to trust your partner with all your heart and soul. Of course by that I don’t mean you trust them blindly, because if you do that – the next thing you know is that you’ve made a terrible fool out of yourself and you’ve grown a weird beard with a bottle of wine and a pack of cigarettes and of course a broken heart. Here’s when transparency comes into picture. If the relation you are in is the ONE, then its important that you remain transparent to your partner, tell them about all the small little things which happen in your life, how your day had been, and most importantly never ever keep a secret from your partner; it doesn’t matter if its a big one, a small one or whatever – secrets have a tendency to bring gaps in a relationship – the longer you keep a secret from sharing with your partner, the more damage it may create, sometimes the secret may not be the reason to the distance in your relation, its the fact that it was kept hidden for such a long time which may create the distance. Of course there’s always a right time to share everything, but you need to make sure that you tell it out at the first opportunity you receive to spill the secret, because if the secret is found out by your partner in any way other than from you, its going to be bad and depending on the intensity of the secret, it may even break the relation.

Now let me clarify that by a secret I don’t mean the one’s like you once puked in a classroom in front of all your friends. By secret I mean things that really really do matter to your partner. For some, it may be you talking excessively with someone your partner hates, for a few it may be a past relationship, for a few it may be a lot of other things. Secret in the true sense is a relative term which is moved up and down on an intensity chart based on factors like Culture, Religion, Ego, Insecurity, Previous history, etc. So, clearly a secret which may break ones relation may not essentially be a relation breaking secret in another couple. But whatever it be, the bottom line is if you want your partner to trust you will all their heart, you got to be transparent – its that way or the highway!

Having said the importance of Transparency to build trust, I am going to move another aspect – Space in a relationship. Space in a relationship is equally important, because providing just the right amount of space plays a pivotal role in developing loyalty from your partner. Again space varies in every relationship on the same factors which determine a Secrets intensity – culture, religion, ego… A few believe Space might bring distance, well lets just say you need to allow your partner to have their space so they can breathe but don’t allow a distance so they think you’ve pushed them away and are not bothered. Be there for your partner, because if this is THE relation – then your partner needs you all the time, not because they can’t do without you, but because they love you and wouldn’t want to be without you.

So what is space? is it allowing your partner to do whatever they want however they want; well partly that’s what it is, but that doesn’t mean they actually do whatever they want however they want – this is where transparency on your partners part should show up. Because there might be a few things you do which your partner doesn’t like and a few things your partner does which you don’t like – these should go outside the circle of space, But make sure you have a reasonable reason to keep it out of the circle of space and not just because you said so! Because when you do that you are not only constraining the circle but are going to choke your partner and the last thing you want is for your partner to choke in your relation. Give them space and if there’s something which bothers you in that space circle, talk to your partner and express yourself to them, tell them why you think that should be out of the circle of space. Believe me when you talk, no one other than your true partner would listen to you leaving everything aside, so you know for one thing that you are being heard to at least, after having expressed your concern, if your partner tries explaining you that there’s no harm in it being in the space circle, you too need to listen to their point of view as well come to the right decision about whether or not it falls in the space circle.

No matter how strong the initial attraction, there may and usually does, come a time when the fairytale ending starts to lose its pink haze. Face it, things go wrong, relationships are a constant work in progress. If you want to keep the shine on the marriage vows, try the following five simple tips.

1. Don’t leave the responsibility for the money on one partner’s shoulders. Money is one of the biggest causes of arguments and stress in a marriage. Couples disagree and argue about it constantly, often from quite early on in the marriage.

So it could be a good idea, even before you walk down the aisle if possible, to discuss how you will manage your money.

To be honest, it almost doesn’t matter what the solution is, as long as you both agree, I mean really agree not just passively give in.

Whatever the decision, both of you should have input about what to do and how to do it; then it should just need changing if and when your circumstances change. Do not sit there and stress because he or she is wasting the money, talk about it!

2. While you are talking about things, remember the three-sentence rule. That means don’t nag, ask in three sentences; it is a lot less likely to cause problems. Remember to sell the benefits of him or her doing the thing you want them to do. For example “If you could walk the dog, then I could get the dinner on early, so we could eat in time to watch the football”. Or, “if you iron my best shirt for me, then I will look smart when we go to see your parents on Saturday”.

Hey and don’t forget the word please, but not a sarcastic one.

It is really important not to get into a fight about these things, as they can easily escalate into something which you cannot escape from. So, if the discussion is becoming an argument, it might be time to take a break and come back to it when it is not such a hot-button topic.

3. Do not hold on to bad feelings about your partner. Express it and then forget it. Try writing it down, ‘he always leaves his dirty socks on the top of the washing basket, never puts them inside’. Growl about, it mutter about it, until you are sick and tired of thinking about it, then when you have expressed it fully and completely, rip it up symbolically, throw it away and then forget about it. Do not think about it any more. Life really is too short to bear stupid grudges.

4. Don’t become complacent. Make sure not to fall into the trap of not making an effort to keep your romance alive; those little touches – a smile, a thank you, can make a huge difference. Just because you are at home does not mean that you don’t have to clean your teeth and brush your hair. Complacency is not good for any relationship, so try not to let things slip.

5. Nurture yourself. All good marriages are about give and take, but one person should not do all the giving. You should be good to yourself as well, so remember to allow yourself some ‘me’ time, it is not selfish, it is important. It will make your relationship stronger, because you do not stop being a whole person.

Follow these five points and you will have a stronger relationship, but if there is a problem, do not be afraid to look for help.